Saw this hashtag on Instagram,I wanted to do it but I also don’t,because obviously,I don’t want to recover,but anorexia has still taken a lot away from me.
1.i can’t eat any food and nothing tastes nice anymore it just tastes like huge amounts of guilt
2.i have so many health problems caused from anorexia
3.it has broken my family and I have constant rows with them over food
4.but yet I can’t let go or get my life back
I’m so sick and tired of this yet I just need to be skinny and I know anorexia can give that to me.
These tube feeds are killing me and I’m restricting heavily because I don’t want to put on weight ugh I feel so fat and bloated from all these feeds I feel awful I hate everything I just want to go home and go back to normal : (
In hospital again.
It was decided to get strong enough for my operation I should be tube fed,so here I am,in more pain than I originally came in for with a tube down my nose,I think it’s possibly the most uncomfortable,painful thing ever.
I didn’t even get the chance to decide to drink my calories instead which is fucking out of order but I’m seen as anorexia instead of me.
I have realised how much this has fucked me up,I can’t even be normal and get up and have toast for breakfast because bread scares me shitless and all I can think about is calories,I pray everyday anorexia is going to give me something I will never have,to be thin.
Yep,another awful day.
I cried hysterically over my normal “safe” breakfast and mum told me to stop having a “paddy” but I managed to skip the milk. I fucking hate how much milk I have to have,I prefer my branflakes soggy but the amount I have to have is ridiculous,makes me want to gag,it would be ok if it was almond milk because it has a lot more flavour,but normal milk is ew. Rarely do I have the milk in my cereal so there’s no point of even having extra ugh.
Managed to skip lunch
Afternoon snack because I’m struggling massively was 2 calorie shots and a cup of smoothie,I couldn’t cope with eating anything and I suppose at least it was healthy,just full of good stuff.
I had to cook my own dinner which I’m not meant to but at least it gave me a chance to restrict,although I now feel extremely guilty for eating it.
I am dreading night snack as the guilt and everything today is hugely overwhelming,I look like a huge fat pig.
The troubles of having a good day =
1.ok body image
2.ok with eating
Both of them I rarely have,so I guess I rarely have good days.
I don’t want to eat,I hate this,everyone is lying to me,I don’t need to get better,I don’t need to gain weight,I need to loose.
I hate the sound of food,I hate the sound of people chewing and swallowing,it makes my skin crawl,I want to scream and cry when someone eats with there mouth open because it makes me feel so uncomfortable,why why why can’t people let me give up,I want to go back to 2 meals a week.